The Things That Haunt Us

Why avoiding difficult thoughts and feelings can sometimes make them louder

October is the month for ghosts, horror movies and paying good money to have a stranger jump out at you in a haunted house. But some of the things that follow us around aren't nearly as easy to shake off, and anxiety is a pretty good example of that.

The awkward conversation from three years ago that your brain decides to replay at 2am. The worry you keep pushing away, only for it to turn up again the second you're trying to concentrate. The memory you'd rather not think about. The feeling you keep yourself busy enough not to feel. Or that one thought you've told yourself, repeatedly, that you really need to stop having.

Unfortunately, brains aren't particularly good at being told what not to think about.

Whatever you do, don't think about the ghost

Seriously, don't picture one...how'd you go?

There's a reason that's hard. To make sure you're not thinking about something, your brain has to keep checking whether you are, so the thing you're trying to avoid ends up hanging around in the background anyway. Psychologists call this thought suppression, and it's a bit of a trap. Pushing a

thought away might give you some relief in the moment, but it can also make it seem louder when it comes back.

We do it with feelings too. We avoid something because it makes us anxious. We keep busy because slowing down means feeling something we'd rather not. We ask for reassurance because uncertainty is uncomfortable. We distract ourselves because, sometimes, distraction works. None of that is necessarily a problem, sometimes distraction is exactly what you need. It's when avoidance starts doing most of the heavy lifting that it becomes one.

Why avoidance feels so good

Here's the annoying part. Avoidance works, at least at first.

Something makes you anxious, so you don't do it. The anxiety drops, and your brain takes note: that thing was dangerous, we avoided it, we feel better now. Next time it comes up, the alarm might go off a little earlier. You avoid it again, and again you feel better. Your brain is learning exactly what brains are designed to learn, that avoiding this thing makes the uncomfortable feeling stop.

The trouble is that, over time, the thing you're avoiding can start to feel bigger while your world gets a little smaller. It's one of anxiety's more frustrating tricks. The more we organise our lives around making sure we don't feel anxious, the more powerful anxiety becomes.

So are we just supposed to sit there feeling terrible?

No. Therapy isn't about forcing yourself to feel awful, ignoring what you've been through, or having someone tell you to just "face your fears." It's more about changing what happens next when difficult thoughts and feelings show up.

Maybe that's noticing a thought without immediately assuming it's true. Maybe it's letting yourself feel uncomfortable for a bit without rushing to fix it. Maybe it's approaching something you've been avoiding, slowly and in a way that feels manageable. Or maybe it's spending some time understanding why a particular memory or feeling has such a strong hold in the first place. None of that requires becoming fearless. Feeling afraid doesn't always mean you need to run.

Not every thought or feeling needs an exorcism

Brains come up with all sorts of stuff. Useful thoughts, interesting thoughts, completely ridiculous thoughts, and thoughts that are uncomfortable, upsetting or just plain weird. A thought turning up doesn't mean you agree with it, want it, or that it's true, and it certainly doesn't mean you have to do anything about it.

Emotions can be a bit like that too. Feeling anxious doesn't necessarily mean something is dangerous. Feeling guilty doesn't always mean you've done something wrong. Feeling uncomfortable doesn't automatically mean you need to get out of there. Sometimes, instead of asking "how do I make this go away?", it's more useful to ask "what would I do here if I didn't have to get rid of this feeling first?" That question can take you somewhere quite different.

Maybe the ghosts can come along for the ride

Most of us have things that haunt us from time to time. Old memories, worries, regrets, fears, that one thing you said in 2007 that your brain has apparently decided still requires an urgent internal review at midnight. We don't necessarily need to get rid of all of them.

Sometimes the work is learning that a thought, memory or feeling can turn up without being put in charge. The less time we spend organising our lives around avoiding uncomfortable things, the more room we have to decide what actually matters and what we want to do next. Which is probably a better use of October than checking under the bed.

Need some support with something that keeps showing up?

At Psyche Mental Health Centre, our psychologists work with adolescents and adults experiencing anxiety, trauma, difficult emotions, unhelpful patterns and a range of other mental health concerns. If that sounds like something you'd like support with, you don't have to figure it out on your own. Reach out to our team, we're here when you're ready.